Mr. Saint Thomas

I have the tendency to go back to the past, even though I know very well not to mess with it. Well I hit him up, curious you know to know what he wanted to tell me. I know I did him wrong but really he deserved much more than what I could give him.So I stopped, I stopped talking, calling, seeing him, I was just cold. SO I gave him the benefit of the doubt. And I'm that way I just won't care to the point that the hurt doesn't even come. He asked me why, damn in that sexy ass Caribbean voice, "just let me understand why you did it?" I didn't tell him the truth. I can't tell him everything. Like usual I wasn't clear with my words very vague. I just couldn't, I didn't have the balls'-Reggie. But I didn't want to hurt him anymore that I did before. I've done some real messed up things but he messed up too. Didn't stand by his woman when I needed him the most. It's my fault too, damn I'm real tired of blaming myself. It just is what it is huh Mr. St. Thomas. Then he brought up the subject of me messing up, meaning I was cheating. I don't feel I cheated but then he brought up a very good point.But he hurt me. Why exactly was I texting another guy and I sent it to him accidentally and then later on I hooked not really hook up but just 'chilled' up with the same guy? I had to be having feelings for him at the time right? ughhh. gosh I had a crush on him but it was a long time ago then when we were together I wasn't feeling anyone damn Here I am lying again to myself. My own self. shoot I do need to check myself. I cheat on that N*cca cuz I was bored, I wanted excitment, some loving but in the end was I satisfied? No. I really need to learn from this. He says he's coming down, I know what he wants, I've told him that I'm not giving it up. But he swears I'll change, did I change for the other ppl I was with after you? no. Did somethings with you, my first in pretty much every sexual experience but afterwards I just died down, learning observing and realizing. So theoretically you still have me a little bit cuz you were the first in alot of areas in my life like I just can't forget you. Mr. St. Thomas who would have known. Your such a ass, seriously I can't believe you did this to me. My life is a mess now. Now who the heck can I trust. I'm so lost in this translation of words. He trusts me and now you've messed it up. I've messed up his life now, his heart his soul.