Your out!!

Gosh I've never failed like this before. I thought I'd do good but damn this bad. I can't even look at myself. I'm pretty depressed. Why am I depending on other ppl for help? It's really not helping me out in the end. Well you know this is one huge mistake which I've found to somehow put me to my low. I WILL rise again I will. I pray to God it happens.

just cuz your there

Why am I constantly thinking about why we stayed so long together? Did we want to put ourselves in a situation which we knew we didn't know how to fix, or who would try to fix it first? It seems like I'm the culprit of the whole situation, trying so hard for EVERYTHING to be good when really it wasn't. 6 I knew. when you said you don't want to meet them (parents) in a long long time. I just hugged you and sighed and knew that it was coming. We both knew it was coming, but I felt it for a while. Maybe not calling you for a couple days in a row started to show you that it was coming. Trying to risk everything. Shoot you did it the day b4 I was going to get a new cell so I could talk to you more. But you said no save your money, did you say that cuz you knew it was coming? It was sweet that you were trying to be considerate but I was trying to save us in a little way, cuz I knew it was coming? Listen. Always the Listen on IM worried me, something from you Mr. Wise, God too wise, see I think more than talk, you are the same but a little better at the talking. Well anyways...it came. What are we going to do now? I call you and want it to feel like old times, at times it does but alot of the times its like a different person NO NO its the same person so much like me, holding it back. Why do we have to be alike on that part? Well I'm still in love with you if you really want to know. I am. I can't put it all here cuz you might figure some stuff out that I don't think your ready for but yeah, I love you. Thinking of you, I don't know if you do it. I start talking about you to other ppl I still say "my boyfriend" instead of "ex" which is still weird. Ppl are calling now but I don't want it. Seriously, alot of offers but I'm straight up holding both hands and looking down as I walk along the gazing eyes. That's how we were raised always to look down as a sign of respect, its hard to look at someones eyes, but for you 6 I couldn't help but to gaze and marvel upon those brown eyes of yours, something... so deep so deep- Ice Cube Well until luego. 1

Mr. Saint Thomas

I have the tendency to go back to the past, even though I know very well not to mess with it. Well I hit him up, curious you know to know what he wanted to tell me. I know I did him wrong but really he deserved much more than what I could give him.So I stopped, I stopped talking, calling, seeing him, I was just cold. SO I gave him the benefit of the doubt. And I'm that way I just won't care to the point that the hurt doesn't even come. He asked me why, damn in that sexy ass Caribbean voice, "just let me understand why you did it?" I didn't tell him the truth. I can't tell him everything. Like usual I wasn't clear with my words very vague. I just couldn't, I didn't have the balls'-Reggie. But I didn't want to hurt him anymore that I did before. I've done some real messed up things but he messed up too. Didn't stand by his woman when I needed him the most. It's my fault too, damn I'm real tired of blaming myself. It just is what it is huh Mr. St. Thomas. Then he brought up the subject of me messing up, meaning I was cheating. I don't feel I cheated but then he brought up a very good point.But he hurt me. Why exactly was I texting another guy and I sent it to him accidentally and then later on I hooked not really hook up but just 'chilled' up with the same guy? I had to be having feelings for him at the time right? ughhh. gosh I had a crush on him but it was a long time ago then when we were together I wasn't feeling anyone damn Here I am lying again to myself. My own self. shoot I do need to check myself. I cheat on that N*cca cuz I was bored, I wanted excitment, some loving but in the end was I satisfied? No. I really need to learn from this. He says he's coming down, I know what he wants, I've told him that I'm not giving it up. But he swears I'll change, did I change for the other ppl I was with after you? no. Did somethings with you, my first in pretty much every sexual experience but afterwards I just died down, learning observing and realizing. So theoretically you still have me a little bit cuz you were the first in alot of areas in my life like I just can't forget you. Mr. St. Thomas who would have known. Your such a ass, seriously I can't believe you did this to me. My life is a mess now. Now who the heck can I trust. I'm so lost in this translation of words. He trusts me and now you've messed it up. I've messed up his life now, his heart his soul.

words of Adiza

*1.Tell her she is beautiful (not hot, fine or sexy)
*2.Hold Her hand at any moment.
*3.Kiss her on the forehead.
*4.Leave her voice messages to wake up to.
5.Always tell her you love her every second of the day.
*6.When she is upset, hold her tight and tell her how much she means to you.
7.Recognize the small things... they usually mean the most.
*8.Sing to her no matter how horrible your voice is.
*9.Pick her over all the other girls you hang out with.
*10.Write her notes.
*11.Introduce her to family and friends as your girlfriend.
12.Play with her hair.
*13.Pick her up,tickle her, and play wrestle with her (she'll tell you to stop but she really loves it).
14. Sit in the park and just talk to her.
*15.Tell her funny jokes, tell her stupid jokes,or just tell her jokes.
16.Throw pebbles at her window in the middle of night... just because you missed her.
*17.Let her fall alseep in your arms.
18.Carve her name into a tree.
19.If she's mad at you, kiss her.
**20.Give her a piggyback ride.
21.Bring her flowers just because.
*22.Treat her same around your friends as you do when your alone.
*23.Look her in the eyes and smile.
*24.Let her take as many pictures of you as she want.
25.Slow dance with her,even if there isn't any music playing.
*26.Kiss her in the rain.
*27.If you really care for her, tell her that all the time.
*28. Cherish her! NEVER CHEAT ON HER!

* my star=the addition what happens during the best weather.

Just cuz you know why I'm ignoring you

why is it that i'm consumed with alot of things around me. I'm consumed with fashion. Trying to dress to a T, shoot is really anyone looking? I'm consumed with hair. I've got to get my hair done for every event, and even if my hair isn't done I gotta have a hat to match with my outfit, shoot is really anyone looking? I'm consumed with Instant MSG, trying to see if he's online that's it I don't even need to be on it but every time that alert window comes up, my heart flickers, damn D what have you done to me. I'm consumed with teeth. If you don't have nice teeth I'm not attracted to you or shoot that's the first thing I'll notice when I meet you. Am I shallow, maybe little but I can't lower my standards right?. Why am I always consumed with going to other ppl's houses? I don't want them to come over and see how I'm living, from that I know they'll begin to judge me in another way. That's the reason I neva will holl@ ya if I'm in the Benz I feel too shy in it, money is the reason I'm getting the attention. Yo' Killa Yo Killa! Damn nigga you don't even know me, I'm not about money, I came from the a the village I know what it is to struggle. I'll be with you if your poor. WAIT the question is? Would you be with me if I was poor, and ugly??? Be real with me ni$$a would you. Nope you wouldn't. You know I'm not quick to open my legs, shoot who do you think you are? THE ONE, naw. You put it in, Fu*k its a friggin contract, Love, that's why I haven't yet, well you know. thought really its more about marriage, Damn I'm realizing for myself, how attached I WOULD be if that happen and how I COULD neva move on if thing didn't work out. Shit I know you'll prolly leave me with a baby and just go, Oh I just wanted to make a pretty baby! SH*t what? So basically I need to see it too on your side. WILL you to GIVE it up for me? Well? So would you still be with me? Nope you wouldn't. Let me be a nun...then holl@ me Yo Killa Nun! So just back away, please analyze and determine me as a human being before you come up and start haggling me.

Aight I'm gonna write bout you lata but your on my list.

Amayi Guru(oldest of 9), Uncle Jennings (youngest of 9), Sekuru and Ambuya (God fearing parents of 9)

Ahhh What time is it?

So she can't tell the time through a watch, she tells the time by the sun.
So he speaks slowly, at a rate you can understand every word that comes out.
They are my grandparents. Sekuru Dominic and Ambuya Emma. I miss em. Love you guys

Zambia

Well I've thought about it for a long time, and my heart it there. Somethings I'm still working on but hopefully everything will work out for tha summer. Well its ZAMBIA!! Yeah I've been wanting to do missions. I told Lu about it and she was like I'll talk to you father, I guess she did and he was happy that my mind was out to help people. There is alot I want to do when I'm there. I know its going to hold me back a little bit on my educational goals for next year. But its worth it. Grandparents, Ambuya and Sekuru are almost 75 now, so yeah I want to spend some time with them. Also my cousins hopefully can come from Zimbabwe. I was going through the site and I found Amayi Guru there.

CHEESIN!!yeah got someone carrying the bag for you huh.lol. Yeah she's the boss!

I'll be there!!!